Updated: Mar 26, 2019
I'm currently resting in the post-Spartan-race aftershock feeling. If you've ever run an endurance race you know what I'm referring to. I didn't run a race however. I and ten other brave teachers/leaders endured two days of deep inner inquiry. Quite happily, actually. The way I lead these workshops would be categorized as "major excavation, hard-hat required". Honest inquiry into the quarry of repressed thoughts, beliefs, stories and emotions is not for the meek, but the rewards greatly out-weigh the blood, sweat and tears. There was, for the record, sweat and tears, as well as huge bravery and vulnerability.
Those in attendance this weekend went deep, and shared such beautiful revelations. Each private unearthing melting layers of stories right before my eyes.
Something amazing happened to me as well. Even though I was a facilitator of this workshop, "Right Timing", as we say in the Shamanic world, dismantled a prior impenetrable inner wall. I have always freely shared when I lead YTT's my personal journey that I referenced in my prior blog. Teaching yoga and being a mother are the two things in this world that can, and do, take me to my knees. Nothing in my life brings more joy, passion,vulnerability fear, and pain.
Like many mothers, I've made plenty of mistakes. I wish I would have fully had my shit together before I married the first time and birthed babies. I wish my ex-husband and I could have effectively cleaned up our mess before we divorced, and introduced new people to the family. I wish. I wish. Wishing is great for dandelions, but doesn't do much when you've fucked up and hurt other people.
During that time around the divorce I was not well, on any level. Many have heard me discuss my Epic Time. For 5 years it was a struggle for me to stay alive, and THE worst fucking thing about that time was not my level of shame, fear, and self hatred, it was the pain I now know it caused my children. I couldn't be there for them because my priority truly had to be fighting for my own life. You know, the whole oxygen mask thing? That's real, dude.
I didn't handle my ex-husband's re-marriage well. All three adults involved could have handled it better. It wasn't just my fault, and this I know. However, I have enough recovery in me to know that looking at MY part provides the freedom.
Yesterday, for the first time, I was honest with my daughter about why I was such an asshole regarding certain situations and people back then. No pointing fingers, no defending and protecting those walls, just truth and vulnerability. The truth behind my walls was that I felt threatened and I reacted like a wounded animal. A wounded mama-bear animal. I'm sure you've watched enough nature shows to get my drift.
Grace, and the priceless gift of my true practice of Yoga have saved my life and my sanity. I have never really valued what I have to offer as a mother, because it’s not loads of money. What I offer is my inner work, my healing, my sobriety, my individuality, my honesty, my truth, and my fucking awesome sense of humor, haha!!
I have always been different and felt like an outsider. As a mother, I've felt this, too. For years, that has created so much agony. My work is not over, but I'm no longer as wounded.
A hard-hat is no longer required.