The Grief Onion
I felt very odd and out of sorts last week. It was vague, just outside my reach. Wispy.
I'm generally quite adept at recognizing and claiming where my stuff is coming from, but occasionally, like last week, it just hovers somewhere above my consciousness.
The deep work I do with myself and clients/students is often a very isolated, solitary path. It comes with the territory of shamanic/healing work. This is not news to me, but I'm still human, and miss receiving nurturing for myself.
I was doing my work; teaching classes, giving sessions, and then I noticed the date. Ah. Oh yes. This particular week in May. Brad's birthday and Mother's day.
For those reading who don't know about this: in 2014 my brother and mother died 6 weeks apart. It was and still is so surreal. I'm fine with death. I don't cling to life like I once did. I'm no longer in the depths of the numb-to-the-marrow grief. I don't pine for those who've passed to a different realm. However, I DO feel lonely.
I don't run from my feelings anymore. I dive right in, and that is what I teach my students and clients to do. I let the feelings wash over me, bathing me in their milky pain, trusting the process. I know that avoiding the pain doesn't keep me safe, it keeps me stuck.
The biggest obstacle, or Klesha, as we call it in the yoga world, is the concept of Avidya: False knowledge. In Recovery circles, we call it The Lie. The Lie tells us we can't handle what we don't want to feel, so we suppress, repress and deny, and hope it just evaporates and goes away.
It literally begins to take shape, from etheric Energy to dense matter, and it stays in the physical body like a blob of Pain Sludge. One of the gifts I've been given in this incarnation is to assist clients and students with their Pain Sludge and to help them navigate their Grief Onions.
So, this week, I've been working with my Pain Sludge and Grief Onion. I call upon my Ancestors who have done this work before me, who are cheering me on to help others, and I receive the comfort from my Guides. It helps, but of course I'd still love a big, engulfing hug in person.
I can't make anyone want to heal. They come to me when they are ready. Yes, moving beyond the obstacle of false knowledge and the lie hurts, but that's where the freedom is.
It’s worth it